Change

How many times have I callously, daringly, seriously joked about volunteering for a severance package to get away from corporate America, dive into my own dreams or even look for another angle on the corporate package?

Now the news comes that yes, there will be a merger. Is it a merger? A buy out? Apparently we were bought. I don't know what it means - there are regulatory hurdles, monopoly accusations to assuage, red tape, bureaucracy and negotiations between now and that eventuality, but the invisible ink on the walls is become much more clear.

I'm off to Tampa tomorrow, to meet with my team and leadership - separate, and awkward but potentially fortuitous timing - it feels odd to pack knowing there is a 12 month timeline on "life as we know it", knowing that life as we know it has already ended. Annual goals about issue management and issue SLA suddenly seem out of focus...

Having jumped online and read the news, logged into my webmail and read the communications from our CEO, it is not a done deal, but the hit is done. The perspective has changed; there will be other changes - we just don't know when.

I sit here, rather stunned. The news is the news - and I grasp at what it means: to me, to our life, to my team. I wonder about the job market; I wonder about the job market with 30, 000 of us hitting it at the same time. I wonder who will be kept and why. I jump to the worst conclusion - corporate nepotism knows no bounds.

Our CEO encourages us to leverage the corporate values as we continue to provide excellent service but don't we all know how futile it is to expect people who are scared and willing to do whatever they have to in order to protect themselves to abide by some higher value, especially something imposed by a "government" that has little loyalty to them. Obviously. Little loyalty.

Change.

My Boy reaches in the cabinet, pulling out a wishbone. "It's probably a good time for this," he says. As I reach for it, I realize I don't know what to wish for. To keep my job? Is that really what I want? For everything to turn out ok? What is that anyway?

We put the wishbone away. I will wish when I know what I want.

For now?

The unknown; change.

Fearless

I set out nicely, with my camera in hand, new lens affixed firmly, in a quest for bokeh (a cool effect with lights turning to fuzzy dots in - typically - the background of a photo). It's dark, here in Atlanta, at 9:00 pm, but near a shopping area, and in a hotel, I thought this might be the perfect opportunity to stalk and capture elusive bokeh - at least thus far elusive to me.

New Lens!

I finally did it: got a new autofocus lens for the Nikon. Bring on the 50mm 1.4 lens, baby! Too bad they sold the used one YESTERDAY! I wound up having to go with a brand new one, and did decide (with some encouragement from my support crew) to spend the extra money on to get the 1.4 instead of the half as expensive 1.8, but I think I'll be happier with it. I'm loving the bigger aperture and have been messing with settings, focus, autofocus and the flash all afternoon.

I think I might be hooked.

Lord Hill Trail Run

Lord.

Oh LORD.

Jesus H. Christ.

Is that Jesus' middle initial? Because I'm kind of thinking it should be F. As in Lord F*ing Hill.

Today was the Lord Hill Trail Run, in the 4th Dimension Pacific Northwest Trail Running series. All week, I've been down for the count with a cold, and with the demands this week at work, staying home to sleep and get well was not an option. Result? Barely well enough to consider a trail run, let alone what this thing turned out to be.

February Mosaic for 365 Project

Another month on the books! Again, pleased to have only missed one day (which I cheated on and filled in with an extra picture from vacation). And, I have determined which lens I am going to get for the camera!

Here is the month at a glance!

Mexico

 How about a quick rundown of what our vacation was like in Mexico?

Day 1: arrive. eat chips and guac. drink beer. check in. go to beach. eat more chips and guac. drink more beer. drink fruity drinks. drink something in a coconut. eat more chips and guac. go get ready for dinner. go eat delicious dinner. drink margaritas. drink mayan coffees. damn tired. go to bed at 9 pm.

Day 2. sleep in. wake up eventually. eat breakfast. go lay on beach with books. drink beer. eat chips and guac. drink beer. eat lunch. drink tropical drinks. drink beer. eat more chips and guac. more beer. move to pool. drink margaritas. drink beer. drink margaritas. teach bartender to make side cars. teach bartender to make malibu drinks. drink "mistake" versions. get ready and go eat delicious dinner. drink sake with sushi. drink more sake. and more sake. drink after dinner drinks....

Looking

Looking down the darkened hallway, I see the crack of a door, light pouring from it's tiny opening on the bare floor. My own door creaks as I realize I am leaning on the knob as I furtively peer around it's half closed concealment. My bare feet feel the floor; could I stealthily creep down the hallway to investigate? I try to recall the creaks and cracks, sparing a few words to my undetailed memory.

I risk it, feeling the floor beneath my feet, rolling silently and slowly through my toes step by step along the corridor. The light becomes bigger and darkens the dark around me. I hear small nothings in the room, deafened by the sound of my attempted silence, breathing, and thoughts.

More now than before, the curiosity owns me and compels me forward. I know not what I would do or say if discovered; resigned, I realize the truth is my closest ally: curiosity.

What is behind the door? What compels me forward this day, this night?