Sunday, November 27, 2011

Circularly Linear

Somehow I've been contemplating fear and trying to figure out who I am and what I want to be when I grow up for over 15 years - perfecting circular thinking since 1998.

Perhaps there is a profession in that...

...the only ones I know are the ones where they figure out what to do, and can advise others. All I can do is advise how to come to the same crossroads in an ever increasingly forward motion. It must be a spiral advance - arriving at the same crossroads, but each time a level up, maybe two.

And yet, somehow from all those moments, endless moments where time is relative and warps to last forever, stuck standing there not knowing what to decide, I moved forward - albeit, I think a few times I was shoved forward whether I wanted to or not. And yet... I am...

So far from there, and yet so close.

I picture the 21 year old version of me, in my flight attendant blue suit, standing on the street corner, and the 26 year old version of me, in flared black pants, steps outside of me, forward into life, stops at the next street corner and the 29 year old version of me, in khakis, a tee, jean jacket and scarf, steps forward, the 34 year old version of me steps forward...into what? Another cross road in the future.

These are the things that make me realize we never really change. Who we are is who we are. I was this way at 6 years old, and I am this way now, and I will be this way when I am 66 years old and I will be this way as I ponder how to leave this world. The voice inside my head is the same, it's fears are the same, it's vision the same, it's words are the same, the colors and risks it sees are the same. Perhaps the stakes change - perhaps they don't; one phase's perception can't really be compared one to one with another.

Ironically, this should be a relief - one thing in life that I can always count on - that the core of who I am will not change. And yet, familiarity breeds contempt. My mother called them demons - those things that torment you -  and I think that's a bit dramatic, but when the lights are low, I do see their teeth from the corners of the darkened room.

I yearn to close this post with something conclusive, and yet perhaps it says more to have nothing conclusive to say - to have this post about circular thinking not quite be circular, and for once, let it be one thing in my life that is linear.

Level up?

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